Monday, May 23, 2005

A Strange Sadness

It's kind of hard to explain, but all day yesterday, I had this strange sadness about the moves. I felt sad for leaving hubby and I's starter home....the home where I began our marriage and spent 3 lovely years forging ahead in life. We really needed to upgrade to a house, and had definately out grown the mobile home, but I still felt sad leaving it.

I also felt sad about my brother and his wife leaving their home, the one we bought. It still feels like, "L and S's house." So much of their "touch" is here and I almost feel imposing. Plus, they moved a bit of a distance away, so it's no more, "Hey, you wanna come over?" and we're visiting in less than 1/2 an hour.

I'm also sad about leaving the foothills and moving to the valley. I really fell in love with that little town and all it's redneck workings. I miss not being able to just hop a mile around the corner to the Fuel and Food station where everyone knew everyone else and get my newspaper, or a bottle of soda, or even visit their deli.

I'm also sad about change. I get that from my mother. Change effects her and I deeply and we get quite emotional about it.

There really was a cloud of sadness yesterday. I just about lost in when my brother (who drove back down to pick up some more stuff) was getting ready to leave back to his new house, and turned around and gazed over his old house and said, very sadly, "I feel sad leaving this little house." I told him I felt sad leaving the trailer and I guess it has to do with our homes being "beginnings." Leaving the familiar is sad.

I finally had my silent cry last night after hubby and I went to bed. I tried not to sound like I was crying because I didn't want hubby to think I was miserable here in the new house. (I'm not miserable and I do like it here) I slept well and feel better this morning, but I'm still sad and keep wondering how long it'll take before I feel like I'm home.

I thought back to when I got married and hubby and I moved into our trailer. I was so homesick, every day I would drive to my parents' house (which was only 5 miles away....now I'm 17 miles away) and visit and eat a bowl of cereal. Perhaps when we think we're ready to spread our wings, our talon is caught in the nest.

Hubby teasingly called me a homebody, and I am. Perhaps that's why I'm sad. I'm a homebody, but I don't feel like I have a home, yet.

Tuesday, I have to go back to the mobile home and remove the garbage. I dread doing this, because I really don't want to look back. Just like my brother doesn't seem to want to come back to this house even though he has a few more things to pick up. It's time to look forward into the frightening future, endure our homesickness, and eventually, it'll all come to pass.

Thank goodness I have the Lord to talk to on these matters.

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