This weekend offered me plenty of pondering, the biggest pondering being that I need more me time. I know, some of you have red flags going up. I'm not talking about shoving my kiddos in daycare so I can go gossip at Starbucks with some girls or get my nails done. I'm talking about being able to go to the bathroom without an audience at least once in a while, or completing a task in one fell swoop rather than in a series of interrupted multi-tasking efforts. To be honest, I was going insane and becoming a not-so-great mother.
You see, I am very VERY rarely without my children. I like it that way. However, on occassion, it becomes too much. I don't think anyone thrives with someone literally hanging off of them nearly 24/7. I have two precious kiddos in a very small house who's lives I revolve around. It's just that season in my life.
To top it off, I bought into all the websites and blogs that make a mother feel like a neglectful, selfish, ungodly woman if she even thinks about "me time." Sure, abandoning your kiddos for unneeded, indulgent whims is not good, but we all need even a moment to breathe our own air.
This past weekend, I couldn't even think anymore. My stress levels were so high I was literally getting sick. I just couldn't seem to break out of the box I was in with everyone's needs pressing down on the top like a cider press. A dear friend of mine, a midwife and mother of 4, noticed this and took my screaming daughter out of my arms and told me to go shopping. I wasn't gone that long, an hour at the very most, but I was completely alone. I could take my time. I could think. I could talk to someone without making sure a child wasn't getting into curious mischief, needing to use the potty or some other such thing. I could make eye contact with people instead of trying to listen politely while keeping an eye on my littles.
When I returned, I was refreshed, renewed, destressed and able to be a better mommy. I thanked my midwife friend and she told me that I need to get away from everything every once in a while and that it'll make me a better wife and mother.
A comedic saying pops into my head, "How can I miss you if you never go away." It has some truth in it.
Part of my problem was the warped, legalistic view trapped in my head that only bad mommies can't handle their kiddos 24/7. The other part is my martyr complex of sucking it up so others don't get bothered, even if they offer to be bothered. I'll get it right eventually. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my kiddos beautiful sleeping faces and wait for hubby to return home.