Wednesday, October 11, 2006


The roller coaster of emotions....the stages of grief....and the amazing love of Christ that heals and sustains me has been my life these past few days. :)

I thank God for my son. Having him really helped me get through the miscarriage. I had a baby to hold, love and take care of rather than empty arms. My husband grieved in his own way. He worked on chores about the house with an occupied determination. Yet, he would check on me nearly every 15 minutes and offer gentle kisses and loving words. He called my mom to come sit with me and help care for my son. He went out and bought a tasty, hearty dinner for us and made sure I had plenty of water to drink. I thank God for my husband and my mother.

My emotions were so strange. I went from utter dispair and grief to almost a non-chalant acceptance and back again. But one thing rings true over and over baby is in Heaven with Jesus.

A deep feeling within me leads me to believe the baby was a boy. I named him Duncan. Maybe it's just a silly notion, but it does help. :) I wonder what God named my baby, though. I actually feel a great honor and knowing that God has my baby and that the baby's in Heaven with his three cousins who were miscarried.

Today, I am doing much better. I don't feel so depressed and out of it. However, I can't seem to stay at home. So, here I am at my parents' house.

Life is slowly returning to a normalcy, though deep down, I will always wonder about the child I didn't have. I will always have that little piece of my heart missing.

But, thank you, Jesus for allowing me to be a vessel for a life, and a life that has only known the joys of Heaven. Amen.


Kathy J. said...

Praying for you....

Anonymous said...

Praying for you. Duncan is a beautiful name and it is not silly at all.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for you. I had two miscarriages before I had my son, and I can relate to the heartbreak. I had a blanket that my husband and I bought for the first baby, and he also bought me a Willow Tree figurine - the pregnant one. For the longest time they were in a box. After many months, I pulled the figurine out and put it on my dresser to remind me of God's goodness and to not give up hope. When we brought our new son home from the hospital, we wrapped him up in the blanket we got for the first baby. It is one of my most treasured items. It is still in my bedroom - together with an identical figurine that my MIL gave me when I was pregnant with my new son. It may seem silly to some people, but it helps. Whatever you need to do to cope - you are in my prayers! -Tiffany

Leigh Ann said...

So sorry for you loss. Praying for you.
Leigh Ann

Anonymous said...

im so sorry for your loss you will be in my prayers.


prayzgod said...

I know the grief well. I lost my first on March 10, 1998. I think mine was a boy as well. Hubby and I stayed in bed and cried for about two days. We were/are both comforted by the fact that our baby is in heaven though.

Maybe hanging out with yours. :-)

My dad died last year, so he finally got to meet his first grandchild.