Wednesday, October 11, 2006
The roller coaster of emotions....the stages of grief....and the amazing love of Christ that heals and sustains me has been my life these past few days. :)
I thank God for my son. Having him really helped me get through the miscarriage. I had a baby to hold, love and take care of rather than empty arms. My husband grieved in his own way. He worked on chores about the house with an occupied determination. Yet, he would check on me nearly every 15 minutes and offer gentle kisses and loving words. He called my mom to come sit with me and help care for my son. He went out and bought a tasty, hearty dinner for us and made sure I had plenty of water to drink. I thank God for my husband and my mother.
My emotions were so strange. I went from utter dispair and grief to almost a non-chalant acceptance and back again. But one thing rings true over and over again....my baby is in Heaven with Jesus.
A deep feeling within me leads me to believe the baby was a boy. I named him Duncan. Maybe it's just a silly notion, but it does help. :) I wonder what God named my baby, though. I actually feel a great honor and knowing that God has my baby and that the baby's in Heaven with his three cousins who were miscarried.
Today, I am doing much better. I don't feel so depressed and out of it. However, I can't seem to stay at home. So, here I am at my parents' house.
Life is slowly returning to a normalcy, though deep down, I will always wonder about the child I didn't have. I will always have that little piece of my heart missing.
But, thank you, Jesus for allowing me to be a vessel for a life, and a life that has only known the joys of Heaven. Amen.