Real Moment: Am I Enough?

All of us, at some point in our lives, have words that clutter our minds.  Maybe it was that boy who called you ugly at school when you secretly longed to hear that you were beautiful.  Maybe it is something formed through various life experiences.

Mine actually has a name.  I call it, "Poe's Crow."  In Edgar Allen Poe's famous poem, it is the Raven who cries "Nevermore."  My "Poe's Crow" repeats "never enough."

I'm never enough.  Never enough faith.  Never enough self-discipline.  Never pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough.  There's never enough money.  Never enough time.  Never enough sleep.  Never enough wakeful hours.  Never healthy enough.  Never good enough.  Never even bad enough to get the help I need!  (I've been told that plenty of times.)  NEVER ENOUGH!!

Last week, Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber posted for free on YouTube his 25th Anniversary performance of The Phantom of the Opera at Royal Albert Music Hall.  (It has become my favorite performance of the show to date.)  After watching it, YouTube suggested related videos.  One was "Daae Days" featuring Sierra Boggess, who played Christine in this performance.  She quotes her mantra (posted in the pic above), and it immediately flew into the deep files of my mind in a mixture of hope and hurt.

It struck a dissonant chord against the grinding melody of "never enough."  Could I challenge it?

I admit, I was dismissive, even angry at Ms. Boggess' presumption.  Of course someone like her could happily shout that mantra from the rooftops.  People in my position have a phrase for people like her, "born with a silver spoon."  She's breathtakingly beautiful with a singing voice to match.  She can act, dance, and has a great personality.  Me?  Well, I'm not that pretty.  Certainly not pretty enough to land starring roles or grace magazines and TV screens.  Cameras hate me.  It takes hundreds of shots to get a decent picture.  I can sing ok.  Well enough to raise eyebrows when I do let it out, but not well enough to make a career out of it.  I can't act worth beans, can't dance, and I'm an introverted melancholic empath, which pretty much amounts to an easily ignored personality and not one who makes friends easily.

While I know nothing of her childhood, I assume she had many opportunities afforded to her.  To add to my "never enough," my childhood had lack where it was needed to step forward in greater life success.  I didn't always have enough food, clothing, sound sleep (my mattress was so flat I could feel the bars under the bed), support, medical care, dental care, education, and certainly never enough money.  No music lessons.  No dance lessons.

So, of course, I was angry that she could smile her gorgeous smile, look in the camera, and tell me that I am enough while she was able to live a life I could only dream of.

BUT!!!  BUT!!!!  

Then, I stepped back.  Her words kept drumming in my mind.

What if?  WHAT IF???!!!

What if I believed them?  What if I applied them?  What if I challenged that old crow and for once in my beaten down life believed something a bit humanistic, a little self-centered, and very positive?  Oh, I'll never make it to Broadway to play Christine to world-wide acclaim, but perhaps, just perhaps, believing that I am enough, I might just budge from the quiet, lonely corner.

What drove Sierra's mantra home for me, though, was something someone told her before one of her performances.  I'm paraphrasing here, because I can't even remember which interview I heard it in to find it again, but it goes something like this:  Remember, you aren't going out there to prove anything to anyone.  You're going out there to give what you know you already have.

I always felt like I had to be perfect, prove my best.  If I'm not good at something I don't even try it, or enjoy it.  I quit so much because of my own disappointment in myself.  Instead of finding my uniqueness and finding ways to be a part of giving to society, I hid.  I quit college.  I quit singing.  I quit sewing.  I quit trying.  I quit enjoying.

Well, I'm almost 40 years old.  I'm not getting any younger, and certainly not any prettier.  Hang it all!  I'm going to believe Sierra Boggess.

It's unbelievable how enough I am!