The Cottage on the Hill

My mother, an avid reader, recently told me that she aims to read 100 books a year.  I can't come close to that, but I admired her goal, and celebrated her success in reading 100 books in 2019!!  It has inspired me to read more, myself, and set a 2020 goal of reading.  I'm going to try for 50 books (but that includes audiobooks).  I have a list started in my sidebar of the books I've read in 2020.

Instant gratification on social media has hindered my prayer life.  It appalls me what I allow myself to gripe about on Facebook.  I'm also a judgmental person.  I don't mean to be, but those judgmental thoughts pop into my head.  It's easy to blame, to point, to dismiss, to complain, to worry.  If I spend my time in prayer, there won't be room for the negativity.

When you've grown up and lived in the polar regions, you tend to see things in only black and white. Experience has taught me that solutions come more with moderation than with polarization. A lot of the problems we find ourselves polarized on in the USA, today, are hashed out in black and white, with no solution at the root.  We hyper-focus on hot-button topics and ignore the solvable issues.  For example, abortion isn't the disease.  It's the symptom.  Yet, we polarize the symptom.   Red-herring and hot-button politics aside, my goal in 2020 is to be a more moderate person and to stop seeing things so polarized in my day-to-day life. I do believe I will much more easily be able to solve problems and reduce stress by ceasing my all-or-nothing, black-or-white stand on things. Polarization has done nothing for me but create battles and unsolved problems.

I'm going to admit something.  I have spent a good portion of my life martyring myself to joyless living, as if enjoying the life God gave me was somehow vanity and sin.  Couple that with a lot of struggles over the past decade, and some wonky thought patterns in my young adulthood, and joy has not been something I've been able to obtain. It baffled me that others had such joy in life while I struggled.  I don't mean just being happy and entertained.  I mean real joy.  The kind of joy that bears fruit and benefits others in healthy ways. "Holy before Happy" is a common mantra among many in Christendom.  In my feeble pursuit of holy, I lost happy. I decided something as I observed others and mulled over my thoughts.  God placed me here.  God gave me a life and I now believe that He wants us to live our lives well here on earth.  He wants us to create, to grow, to cultivate, to nurture, to experiment, to discover, to help, to entertai...

Life changes. What was once ideal becomes unreal. For most of 18 years I have been a stay-at-home wife and mother.  This suited me because I've always struggled with my health. However, years of living on a single income with a decade of emergency after emergency racking up our debt has taken its toll.  Frankly, we're sick of the financial struggle.  The stress of financial burdens and worries is sickening in and of itself. But, I need to be healthy to return to the workforce. But, I also think that returning to the workforce will be good for my health. Thankfully, after decades of research, I've figured out the main health issues: Low Serotonin Chronic Inflammation Food intolerances Gut health/Brain health stuff. Simple diet, exercise, and supplementation solves it. I'm ready! I'm ready to work!

I'm going to give grace. I'm going to give grace to myself and stop beating myself up about things. I'm going to give grace to my family, knowing we are all imperfect, make mistakes, have emotions, and ultimately need to love and support each other.  It isn't my job to make them perfect. I'm going to give grace to people, not knowing their full stories and reasons behind their bad days, sour attitudes, or snippy remarks.  When you try to protect yourself with barbed wire, you too will get caught in it.

This year, I plan to practice my faith in freedom.  I have been fighting the boxes others want to put me in.  There's a lot of pressure to conform one way or another.  But, this is my journey with Christ.  This is my path.  While that can be used as an excuse to live however one pleases, that's not at all my intention.  My intention is to love my faith, enjoy my faith, practice my faith in a way that is fruitful.  It is going to ruffle feathers, but I'd much rather have joy in my faith walk than miserably slog along through someone else's determination of how my faith walk should look.

My energy goal is two-fold:  I want to pursue being energetic, and I want to be a positive energy. Having chronic low-serotonin, I am prone to not only having little energy, but being a Negative Nelly, too.  It not only affects me in my personal bubble, but it has a profound affect on my family and my life outside the home.  The lack of energy makes interactions overwhelming for me, and the negative energy puts people off.  I give off a "leave me alone" sort of vibe.  I know I do. Thankfully, now that I know I have chronically low serotonin, I can easily treat it, and hopefully those days of slump will be fewer and further between, and I can be a better human being not only for myself, but for my family and those around me.

Have you ever floundered over things because you find them overwhelming and are unsure of which path to take? This goal piggy-backs on yesterday's goal.  Because I was previously so set in my thought patterns and views, I often found (find) myself frozen or struggling with tasks and decisions.  It has not only hurt me, but hurt my family. With my new-found corrections of erroneous thoughts and embracing the reality in which I live, I can apply dedication to my life and towards those around me. Here's an example: My children struggle in school.  They are not academics.  Smart, but not adept at the requirements of common core curricula.  Usually what happens (and has happened) is I start playing those tapes and gathering my us vs. them arguments.  Instead, I need to look at reality and work with what I have.  Reality is that I cannot homeschool all of them right now.  Reality is that they do have a good school with great teachers.  ...

What we are taught and how we live growing up certainly develops how we think and filter things.  Over time, that can morph into what many call "the tapes we play" in our heads.  There's also our worldviews which may be comfortable around our peers, but be challenged by outside influences and experiences. Very much has changed for me in my 30's.  I thought I had it comfortably figured out, but I have been challenged on many fronts.  Ultimately, my goal is to see the reality set before me and not rely heavily on my fanciful preferences and past narratives. I can see my future life being quite different, perhaps even unrecognizable from my past because life is different.

In the 1994 version of Little Women , Jo discusses philosophy with Prof. Bhaer.  She says to him, "It's just that with all of this transcendence comes much emphasis on perfecting oneself......I'm hopelessly flawed." I've always loved that line because it felt familiar to me.  I related to it.  I'm a hopelessly flawed perfectionist. Yet, I'm always striving to be better, do better.  I'm always examining myself, mulling around philosophies and observed and practiced experiences seeking to be a better person....and failing or faltering at it most of the time.  Yet, I can't give it up.  I am not discouraged because aren't we all "hopelessly flawed?"

2019 was a year of achievements through unexpected challenges.  This year, I want achievements that are planned.  My focus is on family well-being, home improvements, and debt reduction.  I also have a silly little creative dream I'd like to tap into.  It isn't high on my priority list, but I'll keep it simmering on the back burner, for now.  I may have to expend my energy on things more pressing and lucrative, but if time permits, it would be great to achieve that creative goal.